A Tinsley Tale

February 10 2010

I have a story to tell to all those who care to listen. It isn't until today that I record it here, on my blog. The night began as any other, sitting alone my room. I had just finished writing a bibliography for my Introduction to Information Technology and Informatics class and handed it in electronically 6 minutes short of its due date. I recline in my chair a indulge in a moments respite. At precisely midnight someone comes knocking on my door. "Hurry, come outside, there's a war on!"

I grab my hat, coat, scarf, goggles, and boots. Run outside. A battle stretched out before me. Between the dorms an array of snowballs fly back and forth. I look up at one of the dorms, Tinsley. On the fourth floor the enemy waves a flag at us. Taunting us. For it is the Demarest flag. The flag of our dorm. Previously that day it was stolen from us by assailants. The rage builds within me. "No" I whisper to myself.

I turn to a comrade. I say "So help me God I shall restore the honor of Demarest and return that flag to it's rightful owners."

The man looks at me with fear in his eyes and says "But... that's suicide,"

"No, that's war"

And with a flourish I run towards Tinsley while I can hear the protests of my associates behind me. "No! Come Back!" ... never.

I make my way around the back of the enemy base. Behind enemy lines, I remove my hat, scarf, and goggles. They make it too obvious that I am from Demarest. Just as a fresh battalion of Tinsley men storm out I seize my chance. Silently I slide into the building just as the door closes.

I'm in. Now what. The building is more complex then I thought, There is an elevator, but that would take too long. I go for the stairs. I see enemy voyeurs watching through their windows the battle unfold, unaware of the infiltrator lurking behind them. I reach to top floor. I search endlessly for the flag. But to no avail, it is nowhere to be found. "Damn it" I sit and watch along with the enemy. Trying to blend.

Outside the battle rages. Fights break out. It's hell on earth. Finally the police arrive. They break up the battle. For a moment, the attention of one of the viewers breaks. He glances at me, does a double-take and says, quite loudly "Who the hell are you?"

I am discovered.

"I am from Demarest. And I have come to take back what is rightfully ours"

"We don't believe you, you could be anybody! Prove it!"

Slowly, I put on my scarf, newsie cap, and goggles.

Whispers: "My God, he must be from Demarest"

"Now give me back our flag and I shall return in peace"

They say they have been looking for it, but someone had hidden away in their private quarters.

"Curses" I say under my breath.

So for the next hour I introduce my self and engage in small talk.

A young man with some sort of social disorder introduces himself as "Greg"

A woman introduces herself as "Maria"

I later tell her that she has questionable morals. She attempts to accost me, but rather falls into me. Luckily I had a friend on the inside who could vouch for my genuine identity.

Outside the police have finally forced everyone back into their respective dorms.

I hear the stomping of feet coming up the stairs.

Something is wrong.

Coming through the door are seven or ten of the most testosterone-filled, creatine-sucking, red-faced inbreds I've ever had the displeasure of laying eyes on. One young man in particular, comes in, points at me and says "Who the fuck are you?" Someone says "He's from Demarest, he's come to get his flag"

The man says "Well I don't like him. Get him out"

Lacking any formal introduction, I resort to calling him "The Rat." He has a shaved head, deep sunk eyes (as if someone had punched him in both eyes simultaneously), and wearing a wife-beater and shorts.

I say to the Rat, "I am simply here to take back what is mine"

He sits down in a wheeled-office chair and rolls, menacingly, towards me. As if that would frighten me. I was laughing inside but dared not to show it.

"Let's negotiate"

"Okay" I say

"Let me see you wallet"

(Oh God, I have my wallet in my coat pocket, and it has at least $50 in it)

"I don't have it on me"

"Well how much is in it?"

"You mean back in my room?"

"Yeah"

"About $20" I lie

"How many floors are there in Demarest?"

"3"

"Okay... if you get $40 from each floor in Demarest, I'll give you your flag back"

A man standing behind me says "No we want $1,000!"

I say, "I'm sorry, we don;t have that much to give"

The Rat says "Okay fine, do you know any one who sells cocaine?"

I see Maria urging me to leave. Luckily I still had the women who I charmed earlier protecting me.

"Why yes, yes I do"

"Good. If you get me 20 grams of cocaine, you can have your flag"

"20GRAMS???" I cry. "That's at least $2,000! You're insane!"

"At that comment I knew it was time for me to leave.

I back up slowly. But the Rat follows me on his chair. He grabs my legs and screams "Kiss me on the cheek!"

"I'm sorry darling, we aren't meant to be" I say

The Rat, in desperation: "Rub my chest and tell me you love me!"

"I must go now"

I release myself from his grip. I run out of the building saying:

"I love you all, I'll come back and visit soon!"

I return to my dorm and receive a heroes welcome.

"He's alive!" "He has returned to us!"