Hi Again

Hello my blog
I'm writing to you because nobody else will probably read this.
So my sophomore year at Rutgers just ended... on a sour note
I take all the blame.
I've moved all my stuff back home and unpacked it.
I was cleaning out my room when I found an old box of hospital records.
Bad news from the past. It's the hardest thing for me to admit,
but it's very likely that I'm suffering from an early onset of paranoid schizophrenia.
My doctors predicted it back when I was ten, and I've been on low doses of anti-psychotics since then. Ever seen my odd gait? Or watched me limp? Thats a side-effect of the drugs. So is lethargy, weight gain, and loss of muscle control.

There are five types of schizophrenia, or so the books tell me. Catatonic, Paranoid, Disorganized, Residual, and Undifferentiated (a combination af any of the other four). With luck I'll have only suffer paranoid schizophrenia. My grandfather had Catatonic Schizophrenia; those are the ones who are geniuses. He never spoke to anyone and at one point starved himself to death. My parents told me he died of Alzheimers. It wasn't until last year I overhead one of my uncles talking about it and I found out about the true cause of his death.

Luckily, and I use that term loosely, I'm scheduled to have Paranoid Schizophrenia, you know, like Russel Crowe in that movie A Beautiful Mind. Unfortunately, I'm not a genius, most paranoid schizoprhrenics aren't. However there are several symptoms that I've felt in the course of the past year and I'd like to share them with you to maybe explain why I'm so... fucked up, for lack of a better term.

There are two kinds of paranoid schizophrenia symptoms, the positive and the negative. The so-called "positive" symptoms (called that because they are exclusive to schizophrenics) that I've felt are auditory hallucinations and mental delusion. The negative symptoms (called that because they are constant but dormant affects) I believe to have are anhedonia (inability to feel pleasure), an odd form of asociality (where I have no desire to create meaningful relationships), and avolition (no desire to acheive or succeed).

I hear my name repeated over and over even when I am alone in my room. At this point any random and loud auditory sound my minds recieves and mutates into speech. Screams of "Help!" and "Stop!" are frequently heard.

I have delusions of grandeur. It's almost cause to believe that I am an egomaniac. I am very, almost sickeningly self-important and my entire world revolves around a structured series of falsities and self-induced illusions. I always feel like I'm on some sort of mission or that people are following me. I can't stay in an unsecure location for longer than an hour. I don't trust anybody with anything that belongs to me and I have a constant need to know the exact locations of my "friends" an "enemies."

Anhedonia... well that's pretty self-explanatory. I'm entirely indifferent to sexual activity.

Asociality. To those of you who know me. I am a very social person. However, I rarely go out of my way to form a close relationship with anyone, and once I do, I almost immediately seek to destroy it.

Avolition. I don't care about school. I have little to no desire to get up in the morning. But maybe we can just put that off to regular adolescent behavior.

I'm going to the doctor on the 21st. Let's see what he has to say.

PS. That's roughly the image that of what I dream of at least once a week. An empty park bench with light falling on it. I've taken it to mean death waiting for me.