To Find

And begins. Follows the strings to the factory. Childrens hands smooth across fields of golden wheat. But for only as long as the mind feigns imagination. Then they are to be roughed by the foreman and scarred by schools side-effects. Lying in the sea tainted by leaks into reality. Although unwelcome, feel the warmth of pain. Swimming in the comforting torment of existences waters. Shore is out of sight but the boat follows you. You cannot board for they will make you one of them. Drifting in and out of the sea. The Red Sea.

Red Sea salt blood flows through the tributaries in my mind. Allegro into the strings. The strings. I hear them across the water. Their waves push me ashore to a strange land where all that exists actually does not. And all people frozen in suspended animation. I can change them. The white, pale, statues bleeding from their now blind eyes. It makes me sad to live. I cry but I imagine the tears.

I walk on past. Past. Then on to the sunrise I see motion. Motion of an animal. Caught in the trap set by a dead man, I free it. But not because I wish to see its pain ended, but because its screeches of agony deafen me. It speaks to me. In a tongue I cannot hear. So I move closer. But again, I recieve messages garbled by the static winds.

I want to protect the animal. The animal follows.

Forever follows always at the same distance.

Believe the winds. Trust the winds. They can be cold and violent. But they push for a reason. They push to balance the world.

A Breakthrough!

Now to find the catalyst for this adverse reaction...

Who Is She?

This is too good to be true. I'm dying of laughter on the inside. I realize now that it's just a farce. And I applaud your good humor.

It's always when I'm at my lowest that I end up on top.
I've cut off some dead skin and revealed some beauty.
I've found tenderness.

Last night brought out the worst and best in me, one after the other.
Once I had rid myself of these errant thoughts, I felt lighter all of a sudden.

-

And it just so happens that a light shone through, in the form of a woman, to help me. To guide me.

I happen to love women. For their elegance, strength, understanding, and warmth.

She grabbed my hand and helped me up, and with all the beauty and compassion denied me all this time, taught me once again how to live and love.

-

Why had I been watering rocks when I could have been looking for flowers?

My Resignation

It’s times like this that I resign myself to madness. Madness. I cannot be around. Around others. I’ve spent too much time alone today. Today. Yesterday. This week. This year. This lifetime.
I’ve forgotten how to speak. How to speak. I’ve been alone. Too long. Too long have I been by myself.

I’ve forgotten how to live. I’ve forgotten so much. So much is gone. So much.

I’ve forgotten what I’ve forgotten. But I remember that I have. I have forgotten. But what?
That's a saddening thought. And that feeling I cannot shake. Away.
I’ve fallen into the hole in the earth, so deep and wide, and I know I’ve misplaced the dirt. The dirt is gone. Gone. Gone. Somewhere. Away.

I’ve forgotten who I am. Who am I. I am my own lost memory. I’ve been away too long. To long away from myself. Myself as told through others. Others. Away from people. People, the others. You know. People I need to be a part of me. People I adore. People I strive to be.
“I like this part of you. Do you mind if I borrow it? Borrow? Lend?”

I take the best of who I know and knead it into my mentality. I wear it proudly. Like a young sons honor.

But now I see the corruption with which I’ve bought this honor. All the best I used to take from people now disgusts me. Honey turned to tar. I’m shedding the dead flesh that I’ve worn all these years. These years. This life. I’ve defined myself by the parts I’ve played. The parts I’ve taken. But they were always rotten. Rotten by their previous owners. What did I ever think? Why did I ever have faith? There is no good in men. Men. Good. Ha.
There are only brief respites from evil. Does this sound good? Have you gotten it yet? Gotten it? Have it?

I’ve been resigned to madness. I’m convinced. I’m convinced.
I see the worst in people now. I see the true intentions behind masked courtesy. Masks of lace. It is only logical to assume that others have reached the same conclusion, and therefore see no good in me. So what is it good for? What am I good for? Am I good? No. I cannot be if there are no others who are. People. Who are good. Good. Good. And I’ve searched good. I’ve searched.
I’ve played every part. Worn every costume. Delivered every monologue, every soliloquy, every phrase, couplet, poem, song, sentence. I’ve done everything. I’ve been you. I’ve played your part. Your character. To give it a try. If you have a quirk I like. I’ll take it. They haven’t patented personality yet.

I’ve played a part for you. I’ve been what you’ve wanted me to be. And now, you see. You do not know me.

Everything is an illusion. Everything is a test. I’ve been your knight, your slave, your dreamer, your poet, even your lover, though you may not know it. I am a figment of your imagination. I am the dream that came to life. I am the song and the dance. The impossible romance. Love is. Love is. Too much to bear. It is an act I’ve tried to perform. I’ve tried so hard to play the stage. The stage.

Every exit off the stage is simply the entrance onto the real one. I’ve planned and calculated every single move. As any diligent developer of character would do. Every facial twitch, every longing gaze, every word ever spoken, though words aren’t enough. Never enough for you. What do I need to be?

Be yourself. Be yourself.

That’s what they say

Be yourself.

I have no self! There is no I in me!
I am? Who?

I am you and you and you and you and so on and so forth until every person I’ve encountered has been counted because I love you all. I love you all and so to love myself I’ve had to become you all.

Be yourself. Ha! You know when I’m acting? When I step on stage? Do you think you know?

Be yourself.

I cannot. Cannot. Be myself. I cannot. I rejected myself a long time ago. The world didn’t want me as me. They wanted me as them. They wanted to see themselves.

Everyone is a narcissist. Everyone only likes the people who are like themselves. Mirrors are not enough. We need to be flattered through others! And by that merit, I’ve built more confidence in men then most. I’ve filled their heads with dreams of themselves. And with that I’ve been content. If I’ve made them laugh, if I’ve made them smile. I’ve played my part.

And with that I make my profession. I must relate. On every level. Emotionally. Especially.
I was once told that I always seemed comfortable in my surroundings. Like I had lived in that one location my entire life. It’s because I evolve so quickly. I absorb the world around me to avoid being rejected. I want the audience to like me. I want them to applaud and throw flowers. Roses, tulips, daisies, poppies, marigolds.

Do you like my outfit today? I wear it inside and out.

I’m finished with this audience. I’ve exhausted all possible developments. I’ve only got madness left.

Finally: I can never be loved. Nobody falls in love with an illusion. Nobody falls in love with a ghost.

The only sanity is insanity.

And I've resigned my mind to it.

(Image: Ivan the Terrible And His Son Ivan by Ilya Repin)

Stay

I am neither here nor there
Nor far nor close
I am everywhere
But with you the most

A Tinsley Tale

February 10 2010

I have a story to tell to all those who care to listen. It isn't until today that I record it here, on my blog. The night began as any other, sitting alone my room. I had just finished writing a bibliography for my Introduction to Information Technology and Informatics class and handed it in electronically 6 minutes short of its due date. I recline in my chair a indulge in a moments respite. At precisely midnight someone comes knocking on my door. "Hurry, come outside, there's a war on!"

I grab my hat, coat, scarf, goggles, and boots. Run outside. A battle stretched out before me. Between the dorms an array of snowballs fly back and forth. I look up at one of the dorms, Tinsley. On the fourth floor the enemy waves a flag at us. Taunting us. For it is the Demarest flag. The flag of our dorm. Previously that day it was stolen from us by assailants. The rage builds within me. "No" I whisper to myself.

I turn to a comrade. I say "So help me God I shall restore the honor of Demarest and return that flag to it's rightful owners."

The man looks at me with fear in his eyes and says "But... that's suicide,"

"No, that's war"

And with a flourish I run towards Tinsley while I can hear the protests of my associates behind me. "No! Come Back!" ... never.

I make my way around the back of the enemy base. Behind enemy lines, I remove my hat, scarf, and goggles. They make it too obvious that I am from Demarest. Just as a fresh battalion of Tinsley men storm out I seize my chance. Silently I slide into the building just as the door closes.

I'm in. Now what. The building is more complex then I thought, There is an elevator, but that would take too long. I go for the stairs. I see enemy voyeurs watching through their windows the battle unfold, unaware of the infiltrator lurking behind them. I reach to top floor. I search endlessly for the flag. But to no avail, it is nowhere to be found. "Damn it" I sit and watch along with the enemy. Trying to blend.

Outside the battle rages. Fights break out. It's hell on earth. Finally the police arrive. They break up the battle. For a moment, the attention of one of the viewers breaks. He glances at me, does a double-take and says, quite loudly "Who the hell are you?"

I am discovered.

"I am from Demarest. And I have come to take back what is rightfully ours"

"We don't believe you, you could be anybody! Prove it!"

Slowly, I put on my scarf, newsie cap, and goggles.

Whispers: "My God, he must be from Demarest"

"Now give me back our flag and I shall return in peace"

They say they have been looking for it, but someone had hidden away in their private quarters.

"Curses" I say under my breath.

So for the next hour I introduce my self and engage in small talk.

A young man with some sort of social disorder introduces himself as "Greg"

A woman introduces herself as "Maria"

I later tell her that she has questionable morals. She attempts to accost me, but rather falls into me. Luckily I had a friend on the inside who could vouch for my genuine identity.

Outside the police have finally forced everyone back into their respective dorms.

I hear the stomping of feet coming up the stairs.

Something is wrong.

Coming through the door are seven or ten of the most testosterone-filled, creatine-sucking, red-faced inbreds I've ever had the displeasure of laying eyes on. One young man in particular, comes in, points at me and says "Who the fuck are you?" Someone says "He's from Demarest, he's come to get his flag"

The man says "Well I don't like him. Get him out"

Lacking any formal introduction, I resort to calling him "The Rat." He has a shaved head, deep sunk eyes (as if someone had punched him in both eyes simultaneously), and wearing a wife-beater and shorts.

I say to the Rat, "I am simply here to take back what is mine"

He sits down in a wheeled-office chair and rolls, menacingly, towards me. As if that would frighten me. I was laughing inside but dared not to show it.

"Let's negotiate"

"Okay" I say

"Let me see you wallet"

(Oh God, I have my wallet in my coat pocket, and it has at least $50 in it)

"I don't have it on me"

"Well how much is in it?"

"You mean back in my room?"

"Yeah"

"About $20" I lie

"How many floors are there in Demarest?"

"3"

"Okay... if you get $40 from each floor in Demarest, I'll give you your flag back"

A man standing behind me says "No we want $1,000!"

I say, "I'm sorry, we don;t have that much to give"

The Rat says "Okay fine, do you know any one who sells cocaine?"

I see Maria urging me to leave. Luckily I still had the women who I charmed earlier protecting me.

"Why yes, yes I do"

"Good. If you get me 20 grams of cocaine, you can have your flag"

"20GRAMS???" I cry. "That's at least $2,000! You're insane!"

"At that comment I knew it was time for me to leave.

I back up slowly. But the Rat follows me on his chair. He grabs my legs and screams "Kiss me on the cheek!"

"I'm sorry darling, we aren't meant to be" I say

The Rat, in desperation: "Rub my chest and tell me you love me!"

"I must go now"

I release myself from his grip. I run out of the building saying:

"I love you all, I'll come back and visit soon!"

I return to my dorm and receive a heroes welcome.

"He's alive!" "He has returned to us!"

La Règle du jeu

-Now you've played my game

I can see it in your eyes

Rainclouds in otherwise sunny skies

-