La Règle du jeu

-Now you've played my game

I can see it in your eyes

Rainclouds in otherwise sunny skies

-

Ne Me Quitte Pas

I will give you pearls of rain

From countries where it never rains

I will dig up the earth even in death

To cover your body with gold and with light

I will make a kingdom

Where love shall be king

Where love shall be law

Where you shall be queen

From Me to You (A List of Likes)

Me

Clocks

White socks

Lavender fields

Hiding in plain sight

Hide and go seek at night

Snow falling through a streetlight

Tasting through the steam off of tea

Puncturing the skin of an orange

Drinking juice from a wine glass

Taking time to tie shoes

Piano concertos

Wearing a suit

Screaming

Midnight cereal

Cold showers before bed

The sound of a door unlocking

A symphony of ticking pocket watches

The smell of a pack of gum after there's none left

Sitting at sidewalk cafes long after I've finished my drink

Reading the directions on shampoo bottles

Climbing a tree until you can go no higher

Holding a pizza on your lap in the car
A head resting on my shoulder

Windowless rooms

Sweet perfumes

Holding hands in the dark

Hearing a far-away dog bark

Launching bottle rockets twelve at a time
Touching one of everything in an aisle at the supermarket

Spending hours on a meal only to watch others enjoy it
Being face-to-face with tomato soup
The taste of sterling silver

Looking up at a tree

Hammocks

Beheading a boiled egg

Trays designed for breakfast in bed
The cracking sounds of a new book being opened

Cleaning out the holes from a hole-puncher

Pulling the hairs off of black clothes

Crying in front of a mirror

Grinding pepper

Pacing in a public bathroom
Pretending I'm being followed
Stealing stirring straws from cafes
Jumping on ketchup packets
Being muddy

Moss

Creek water

Deep holes in old trees

Roots that come up from the ground

Building a model out of paper then setting it on fire
Thinking out loud while walking naked around my house
Slipping in the shower and catching myself at the last second

Pushing people around in wheelchairs while we talk

Having a hotel swimming pool to myself
Bed and breakfasts

Practicing faces

Punching through a wall

Flowers in unexpected places

Stars reflected off a pond in the woods

Running until I can't run anymore

Hidden passages in old buildings

Water washing away sand

Walking on thin ice

Sudden urgency

Umbrellas

Southern sunsets

Slowly sinking into wet sand

Lying on the beach with a book on my face

When you can see a rainstorm from a distance

The second of blindness after a camera flash

A silent film in a crowded room

Witnessing car accidents

Scaring my brother

Digging holes

White walls

Waterfalls

Air dusters

Honey mustard

Watching someone fall asleep

Pretending to take notes

Dirt on my nose

Band-aids

Scavenger hunts

Catching food in my mouth

Burying something and finding it years later

Watching movies together
Sharing my world

Learning truth
Finding love

Living

You

Laugh

Is this what madness feels like? Hahaha! I love it! There's an energy in my stomach and it rises slowly up my throat until it comes out of my mouth in the shape of a strained cackle. I throw my head back and try to eat the sky. My fingers. My fingers are the most changed of all. They cannot stay straight. They keep changing shape. Tense and strained like so many caterpillars weaving their cocoons. They claw at something. I fall onto the floor in euphoric agony. Hahaha! God you are a cruel master! But he makes slaves of us all. We must thank him for that. Freedom is a curse you bohemian liberals. Loveless slavery! War or death! SOMETHING MUST HAPPEN! Stand alone. Stand alone and be silently judged! AGHHHH! I can feel the pump of adrenaline through my veins as every muscle tries to escape my body. Writhing with a joyous fervor I've never felt! The music swells! The colors move! Destroy something! Create something! What will it amount to? The world is a joke you idiot. Yes you. IT'S FUNNY! IT'S HILARIOUS! Finally I've let it go. I've slipped. Finally I've admitted to being stupid. I can't understand and no poet or scientist ever will. My bones turn to iron. My muscles turn to slugs. Sinking now. Sinking into the floor of sand. Warmth. A warmth fills my body. I am calm. My body has stopped. My heart beats. Slower and slower. This is incredible. It's like every part of you, inside and out is being tickled. Ants crawl and spiders eat the ants and birds eat the spiders and the birds lay eggs and the eggs hatch and the chicks fall out of the nest and a snake eats the helpless chicks and the snake bites a man who just stepped on an anthill. It's a joke. Ouroborus. It's just a joke. I'm slipping off the ground. Slowly collapsing. Like a snow melting into the ground over the course of a day. Down. Down. Into the ground. My fingers. I haven't blinked. I must write now. I must write this down. I must learn. I can't say this wasn't self-induced. Namdam a fo edisni deppart m'i, pleh.

See Now How The World Cries

Well I haven't said anything about my New Years resolution. And there are parts I won't tell you. It's like making a wish and hoping it comes true; telling people ruins the magic. But I suppose there are some things that I'm willing to share. Firstly, it is my goal to start acting like a gentleman again. It's something that happens over the course of a year. As the weather gets warmer I become more considerate and pleasant to be around. The cold just makes me cynical and depressed. Of course, the hardest part about being chivalrous is finding someone worthy of your chivalry. There are few people I can think of who deserve such a title. Lady. But as a gentleman, you must treat everyone equally with courtesy and respect, regardless of class or grace. "May I help you cross the street" "Could I escort you back to your home" "I don't mean to interpose but you look absolutely radiant" Let me tell you a story about the day I decided to fall in love with every attractive woman I met. I would walk up to any woman of notable exception and introduce myself thusly: "Excuse me, I couldn't help but see you smile from across the room. You are by far one of the most beautiful women I've ever had the pleasure to lay eyes upon. Good day." Then I would bow and walk away. Every time I evoked some sort of nervous laughter and, on occasion, even name-calling. But it was not the act itself that was important. It was the stares I got from these beauties afterwards that made my heart soar. I assure you, there are still some romantics out there who still long for a knight in shining armor, and I was prepared to slay any dragon in any kingdom near or far just for that look. I could see in their eyes a certain wonder and excitement at my unexpected act of kindness. Perhaps it was not for me per se, but for that decent quality in men. That quality that makes every woman feel like a lady. But to admit it to their friends? Never! Sadly the world has lost it's appetite for table manners and polite conversation. Ah mon cher compatriote, while the women of this world secretly desire a decent hard-working man, they only chase after the men who ignore and abuse them. How self-destructive feminine youth are today. It makes my stomach churn. I say with absolute modesty and a fair amount of certainty that I can treat a woman better than most men my age, but what do I get for it? Rejection, a nervous laugh, a mockery. Its hard being a 21st century gentleman. Especially when there are so few true ladies about. It's why I've all but given up.
In my Junior year of high school our Theater department put on the stage adaptation of the Charles Dickens masterpiece Great Expectations. I played Mr. Jaggers (seen in the picture), the lawyer who delivers young Pip to London for him to become a gentleman. I learned alot from that play. Especially that women are tender things that the world treats harshly. All I want is to protect. All I want is to protect.

#19. A real gentleman never backs off when he's challenged, always standing up for himself and his values.

I'll be a gentleman again. Even if it means warm dishonesty, staunch courtesy, and showering daily.

"And the communication I have got to make is, that he has Great Expectations."

Just Words

One is the loneliest number. But that's the way we get by. I'm listening to Brittany Murphy sing Faster Kill Pussycat. The song that introduced me to Paul Oakenfold and I never even realized it featured her. I'm a little sadder now. I've made a playlist with one song from all of my favorite bands. It's just about reached 200 songs. I have very little to complain about. I realize that I truthfully am very accepting of all art forms. I think it has to do with me as an actor. I have to be able to justify any point of view. If I play an 18 year old serial killer I have to be able to say "he deserved it" will full conviction. If I play a middle-aged transvestite I have to be able to put on heels and enjoy it. If I play a dying grandfather I have to cry about my wasted life as if it had already passed. I'm convinced that every human being has their own sanity as long as they are human. Any portrait or sculpture has a purpose and justification for existing. Every song or strum of the guitar is beautiful to somebody. Each short story or gossip column has its value. Each photograph has its unspoken words. I see the best in things. I suppose its my biggest flaw. So I hide it. I'm argumentative, critical, and sometimes I'm just mean. Plain old mean. I just want the world to know that I'm constantly making the conscious decision to disagree.
I love beauty. And I'm very good at seeing beauty in all things. And by some jealous urge I suppress my compliments and instead point out flaws. If I just said that everything was dandy nothing would happen. The artist would be content and stop there. By some sort of deep-seated altruism in my heart I want people to succeed above all. Telling them they aren't doing enough pushes any self-respecting artist to that success. The greatest compliment I've ever received was from my acting teacher last year: "You're a thinker. Stop that."
I love you all more than you can know. I just show it in a very... VERY different way. If your wondering what the picture is about, its Russian surgeon Leonid Rogozov performing an auto-appendectomy in an Antarctic military base when no other trained staff were available for months. He didn't use anesthetics. The surgery lasted an hour and forty-five minutes and he never lost consciousness. What a guy.

Storytime!

Oh boy oh boy oh boy do I have a tale for you! Finally I've got something worth sharing rather than just complaining about life and women. Hooray! The tale begins with my taking leave of my house. Parents sister brother dog goodbye. It's 6:12. Take the the train. Oh the train. NJ Transit could be a string of tin cans on wheels and I would still love it. The people the sights the sounds. I may prefer public transportation to any other method of travel. I am hungry though. I get to New Brunswick making calls all the way. Contemplate getting food at DD. Nah. Make my way to the cafe. Witness a car crash. Taxi driver gets out and unwittingly starts yelling at the unconscious man in the drivers seat of the other car. His head surrounded by a white halo of the airbag. Other people help. I stop to see but remember that it's best not to get involved. Not with my name. I can hear the Indian screaming still as I walk silently away. I'm indecisive. I buy a sandwich. Keep in I'm my inside coat pocket. I can feel the warmth of it in my heart. Its cold. I have a scarf but no gloves. But no gloves. After a short detour I get to where I'm going. Walk inside. Well this is familiar. I can hear the rhythm from outside. I go downstairs. When there are people not moving on the stairs its a bad sign. I survey. I survey. Its a typical crowd. Typical. These people are so alike and yet each thinks they are special. People I do not know personally become clones. I assume to much and know too little. When everyone is special nobody is. Your just in a room filled with like-minded people. Clones. Different. HA! I love them all for it. We're thrown around in a sea of clones. Good-willed clones. I fall. The clones help me up. They all move rhythmically bobbing their heads. I enjoy the music. Its best to close your eyes and pretend the room is empty. The band plays for you. WHAT DOES IT MEAN. Hear without ears. I need to go soon. But no. We move on. Next dungeon awaits. This one is different. Its filled with ghosts. I don't know what to think here. So I yell at my phone and leave. It's 11:30 Back at the station. Waiting a long time. Waiting. For a train. It's 12:34. A gay couple both sporting extravagant facial hair discuss the proper way to decorate their friends living room. Foam board covered with fabric. I'm trying to listen but your moustache is distracting me. The train comes. I get on. It's a long trip. I do some of my best thinking on trains. I don't know why. 1:30. I arrive. New York City. Here I am. Need to get to 92nd before 3. I must try. I must try. I take an E. This must be wrong. I get out. I walk to Columbus Square. Central park. Its only 52nd. It's 2:07. Must find another subway. I'm walking through the streets. People look. Guy thinks I'm following him. He starts walking faster. I see him later enter an Adult Entertainment Shop. I keep seeing them. It's nighttime in the city. Filled with lusty old men. A wall of naked women. I pity them. I feel nothing but sadness. It's too cold to be sad. I MUST RUN. RUN. Its so cold.... I'm lost and cold and surrounded by disgusting haunting images. I don't like it here. GET ME OUT! I find a subway. Any train will do. GET ME OUT! Okay I'm on 86th now. Its west. Oh no. Oh no. I'm on the wrong side of Manhattan. It's 2:35. I CAN'T GIVE UP! RUN RUN RUN! I start to cross Central Park. WHO THE FUCK PUTS A FUCKING LAKE HERE! I never even realized how likely it would have been for me to be mugged or worse. I just ran. Ran. I find the other side of 92nd. East. Finally. Madison. No. Park. No. Lexington oh sweet Lord yes. You have delivered me. It's 2:56. My long lost friend awaits to sign me into this boarding house of sorts. I just need rest. Rest. I meet his roommate. He cannot read. Cheesy Bread and Running Naked Through Princeton. My kinda guy. I sleep on the floor. The cold hard floor. It's still cold. NYC is trying to kill me. He snores. OH FUCK HE SNORES. My only weakness... I cannot sleep I cannot sleep I cannot sleep. ... I cannot. ... .. . sleep I... ... .. ..... . . . . . . . I wake up. Get dressed. Cheap breakfast. I Pay. Cupcake. Delicious. Time to take out pants of on a subway. Meet on Avenue of the Strongest. Receive instructions. We are Team 0 on the 1 Train to Times Square. I take off my pants. This time I embrace the cold. Kill me now New York. Just try. People stare. Me and friends from the school embark. It's liberating. It's hilarious. If only every day could be this way. Afterwards we meet in Union Square. Go to a liquor store. Without pants. Without pants. Walking around NYC. We find a Korean Karaoke Club. We get a room all to ourselves. Allow me to describe the scene. This is officially the most borderline homosexual experience I've ever had. 5 single men in one private karaoke room with two bottles of wine a one of vodka. Nobody is wearing pants and we're singing Beyonce. We've finally had enough. Walking around still with no pants. We buy berets. Now we are Scottish. For a few hours. This is excellent. He pees in the subway. White Pizza and Methamphetamines. Please do tell me about your insane ex-girlfriend. We all have them right? RIGHT? Hmm... I get a Sorbet. And new money. I've spent too much again. Haha but I love it. Puerto Rican tries to get number from one of us. He's never looked so scared before in his life. Drunks everywhere. Others join in and remove pants. Why isn't everyone always this open and kind? Why do we need alcohol to expose this lovely side of life? I don't. People ask me alot if I'm drunk. I'm usually not. I just live more than you do. We take the train back. Still no pants. Six grown men sitting on the train all squished in between seats. Talk about male-bonding. I never get sick of people. I'm endlessly fascinated with them even if they get me upset. It's when people deny me access that I get angry. I get home. I sleep. These are the days...