Crows Eat Meat

There is a darkness for every light. The Law of Conservation of Matter applies to all things. For every moment I am contented and happy, there is a soul out there in the world that is starved and despairing. It isn't fair. It isn't fair. And I live for the day. Carpe Diem. The phone rings. I am a sinner. HOW DARE I! The phone rings. I don't deserve any of your mercy oh lord... why can't I feel the misery? I pick up the phone and hear a man. What is this forced silence of emotion I build within myself? "Hello" Is this even ever worth it? "Yes I was just wondering if you could help me" I can hear you calling out but I CANNOT FEEL! "I've been feeling depressed lately and I've had suicidal thoughts" I want to help. I want to help. But nothing lasts. I say. KILL YOURSELF. I hang up the phone. This world is hell and heaven. If you see it to be hell, escape it. If you see it to be heaven, live it. I am stuck. I am the poet Virgil. I can only see with eyes and hear with ears. When I speak it is nothing worth saying. Full of lies. Full of lies. My world is beautiful in my mind. Is it a crime to try and make the world part of my dream? IS IT A CRIME TO TELL YOU FAIRY TALES? Is it a crime for me to be happy? It is. Right now, to be sure, there is a starving child somewhere in the world. Lost their way. Nobody who cares for them. And here I sit wallowing in my sickening self-pity. Just because I cannot SEE doesn't mean I cannot UNDERSTAND. For me to be happy under these extenuating circumstances is borderline insanity. Insanity. Insanity. I am human. I am human. It could have been me, me, me, me, ... me. It isn't fair. And you'll say "But you can't live life than way Clamence! You must smell the flowers as they are and not dwell on thoughts of destitution. We must live in ignorance of suffering!" But in your heart. In your own dark, disgusting, broken... human heart you know it to be true. So never call me. Never give me positive thoughts again. Your a fake Clamence. Your a fake. But you ACKNOWLEDGE IT! HAHA AND THEREIN LIES MY VICTORY! I acknowledge that I am a fake! I CAN SEE! I PRETEND AND LIE AND CHEAT! HAHA! I AM HUMAN AFTER ALL! But there are those... oh there are those that need to be judged and be brought to reality. Reality is not easy or hard. It withstands opinion. It is you! YOU! THE ACTOR! THE JANUS! YOU ARE A FRAUD! YOU ARE A LIE! You dare to live, dare to dream, dare to see without seeing! See without eyes! Sinners. Sinners the whole rotten lot of you... the world swarms with a walking feast for crows. Your corrupted bodies perfumed and hidden beneath sheer silks. The ravens will devour you. They will peck at the carrion. And men will cry. Until the birds come, my deluded ravings will have to suffice. I am the two-faced raven. Until the birds come. Run and hide. Run and hide. I am the two-faced raven.

The Word "Honey"

Honey. Please honey don't go! Well she won't ever. I'll promise you that. You see, honey never goes bad. It stays forever in its warm succulent state, golden and soft. Today I returned to US. By rights I should be asleep right now due to the time difference but I just drank a hell of a alot of Ocean Spray and the sugar rush is keeping me from passing out. It's been a while so let me recap the past few days. More relatives. Visited Uncle Hans and Aunt Elsa who used to be fashion designers. Interesting because I just saw "The September Issue" on my plane ride back. Don't judge me, I was bored. Lies: I actually secretly still watch Project Runway. Let's just say it made the fashion industry seem alot less menacing when you had a fat man with a camera following around Anne Wintour all day. Anyhow they (Hans and Elsa) have a very nice house with many antiques and on more than one occasion was I tempted to pilfer something here and there. But morals got the best of me. DAMN YOU MORALS. They said the place was haunted by French ghosts. French. "Boo! I ave come to haunt you from ze grave!" I don't think that would frighten me very much. I once did very much believe in spirits and such things because I watched a little too much television in those days, but the explanation for such phenomenon is far too simple. It is memory. Lost souls that have been forgotten and still long to be remembered. But they themselves have left this earth and do not will it. It is your own mind that subconsciously acknowledges this presence and materializes it in some sort of "supernatural" event. We want these things to happen. We confabulate. CONFABULATE. Look it up... Our minds are more powerful than we think. That sentence had circular reasoning. Give that to an epistemologist. They would have a field day. A land of milk and honey. Moving on: we moved on to a Hilton Hotel. Not bad. I know my hotels too. I did work in one after all. THOSE WERE THE DAYS... Excuse me I was reminiscing. Well long story short my entire family got some sort of stomach virus except for me after having eaten at a Chinese Buffet and they are all still stuck in Holland except for me and my Father who was forced to return for work. So now I'm alone in this echoing cave of a building I call "home." The promised land. WHY IS IT SO FUCKING COLD! I love when my dad gives me money and says "Son, go do something useful with this" and then goes to bed. Was on the train heading to Hamilton when I hear the unmistakable laugh of an acquaintance. The laughter follows me. It haunts me. Like the French. AHA! Goodnight ... that honey on toast looks so good!

The Year Anew I Think Of You

Well today was something else. Woke up today next to a girl. We can talk about last night but the story reveals itself. Why is it so cold? Damnit she hogged the sheets. Women. How pretty they are. All the SAME! Get out of bed. Start routine. Eat a hard-boiled egg. Turns out to be a not-boiled egg. Damnit. I put on my nice shoes and new shirt. Get out of the house! Nope she's awake. INTERMISSION. Wow, european girls are so much easier to talk to. That took a GRAND TOTAL of 10 mins as opposed to the 3 HOURS of most of these "morning after conversations." Decides to make me breakfast too. I was meant to live in this country. Parents come around and pick me up. Thanks for the place to sleep and I'm off. 2 hour ride to grandmothers house we go. Last night she had a special on TV for her 80th birthday. My mom was on it. Cheers all around. Holland has become a warzone. It's New Years Eve and since 3pm you can't stand outside without hearing an explosion every 10 seconds. All fireworks are legal. We're here. Start with the courtesies. Three kisses: left cheek, right cheek, left cheek for the female relatives. A firm handshake for the males. I'm the oldest of my generation not counting half-cousins. I kill someone if they get the inheritance before I do. The half-breed morons. They look like european supermodels but have the brains of small rodents. Cut the cake. Flowers arriving every ten minutes. Alot of people from televisions past. Become friends with a 70-year-old man named Marius. Good friend of my grandfathers. Recieve a gift from my grandfather. Leatherbound. Recite my poem. Grandmother cries. My heart melts. I'm the only one to have done this. Perhaps I do have a gift after all. I want to make people happy. Well-known MC in Holland Freek de Jonge steals a copy of my poem. Says he wants to show it to a friend. We'll see what comes of it. Need to write a letter to Joop Van Den Ende, other family friend and powerful entertainment mogul in Holland. Get a job perhaps. Road to success is hard, but a famous grandma helps. On the way back to our temporary residence, I tear up to the Jeff Buckley cover of Hallelujah playing on the radio. While the song plays I can see the countryside and the skies over the Dutch cities and towns. Everyone is setting off fireworks and the sky is dotted with explosions of light and color. Is it tuned to the music? Life is so beautiful. Why do we waste it so often? We have come so far and done so much. Why is there ever a reason to be down? Are we that selfish? I know I am. I know you are. However, it's nice to see the lights of a city once in a while and think "I am proud to be a part of this." Radio announcer says that "Hallelujah" was the song he sang to his grandmother as she lay dying because he didn't have the courage to say he loved her. I'm thinking of Dad. We're home. I've got nobody to kiss at midnight because I'm surrounded by family and nobody to love. Sometimes europe is lonely at night... Happy New Year. Make a wish.

Todays Day Was A Lucky Fall

I was unreasonably happy this morning. I'm not entirely sure why. Also by now I've mastered and standardized my morning routine. Get out of bed, take a piss, take vitamins and assorted medicines, do 50 push ups, 50 squats, 200 reps of something, and 15 mins of stretching and/or taekwondo, pick clothes for the day, take a shower, get dressed, eat breakfast, brush teeth (because why would you brush your teeth before you eat and get them dirty again?) I also do the same thing in roughly the reverse order at night minus the shower and breakfast. Today we went shopping at a local mall with my family and female cousin. We went into a shoe store because apparently my boots aren't appropriate for anything but hiking. I spend 5 minutes finding a pair of shoes I like but my father takes 45 mins trying on different shoes before he can finally pick. I distract myself by admiring the beautiful women around the store and one of the clerks who I keep catching longingly staring at me. Yes you're very beautiful miss but your enlgish language skills aren't up to snuff. Anyone who can't say "suede" with a certain amount of conviction loses points. So we leave and have lunch at a cafe. Do I have mustard on my shirt or something? Why do people keep looking at me funny? Oh well this salmon is delicious. Yes two shirts that make me look like a hipster. What else? Plaid. Whatever they look nice. Moving on. AGH MORE GORGEOUS WOMEN. Yes those fitted trench coats suit you very well. Moving on. They let dogs in here? Oooh a candy store! Your cross-eyed. A basement outside? Okay its 5 o'clock. Checking the inheritance at IGN. Lady behind the counter looked like a rejected oompa loompa. Nicest bathroom attendant! And was it bring your kid to work day? "Don't you want to be a bathroom attendant when you grow up?" "No, I want to be a pony" Way to dream big kiddo. Forgot to tip. Going home now. Asleep again. Haha I said "home" i meant "temporary foreign residence" Goodnight all. PS: Just got grades back: AABAA. Don't know how I managed to do that...

As Much As It Hurts To Say

Life is hard. People are weak. I just got off of a plane and I'm deathly tired. Mass amounts of incompetence by individuals were encountered today but I have a more pressing issue to address. I saw the Soderbergh film "The Informant!" on the plane. Got me thinking. Watch it. The cinematography is bland, the acting mediocre, and the soundtrack almost annoying. But it is the character of Mark Whitacre that fascinated me. I have a kinship with this man that I cannot express to you. I may have bipolar disorder. I quite clearly live two separate lives and I do lie compulsively at an attempt to merge the two realities while hiding my true feelings. I truly do not understand myself. Why do I do these things? Why do I keep digging deeper? Deeper. Deeper. What gets bigger the more you take out of it? A hole. A hole in my heart. Few things can fix it now. An innocent heart full of true love. Something I have been denied the company of all too often. Oh god....
In view of the judge presiding, Whitacre imagines these stories to satiate his own self-interests. Am I lying to protect myself? Do I put on this mask so that people invest in me? Perhaps it's a survival mechanism. Whitacre, after all, did embezzle over 9 million dollars. Will it do me any good? Sure. Will it do society any good? I don't know. At least not directly.
I admit it, I live false lives. At least I have the courage to say that. BUT THERE ARE THOSE WHO LIVE FREELY. And I envy them. The people who attract attention without reaching for it. I HAVE TO WORK TO FORM RELATIONSHIPS GODAMNIT! The beautiful people: people gifted with pleasant natural superficiality. They don't need to work to be nice or friendly. The luxury comes to them. Ohh but I shudder to think at what a price beauty comes. Without effort we become sloppy and we become naive, even ignorant. The beautiful people become deluded by grandeur and childhood fantasy, and they won't ever be prepared for reality. The world is dark ma cheri, and too few of us have torches...

Hello Again Mediocracy

Good morning Miss Murray. Kissed a girl on an electric island but the plug was pulled. Now I'm about to be off to another land. Lets find some ephemeral love to satiate my earthly desires shall we? Today is Christmas Eve? That was way too fast. Getting an A+ in Dinosaurs, YESSIR! Just got a new phone but not before the slob at T-Mobile got his grimy fingerprints all over it after telling me he only had 2 hours of sleep because he was cooking Christmas dinner from 8pm to 4am. SERIOUSLY? You say your cooking for 50 people but it's probably just for your own sad little family. Thanks dude. How do you even push those tiny buttons on your phone without hitting multiple keys? Ordered a white hot chocolate and the D&D but it turned out to just be regular. WHY DOES THE WORLD KEEP FUCKING UP? A new flat screen? Wow dad, mid-life crisis was three years ago. I have to pack already? Yeah flying off to another continent tomorrow. TOMORROW! Yeah you heard right I'm going to be spending the majority of my Christmas day on an 8 hour flight. Talk about depressing. Lets just say the Christmas spirit is dead inside me despite all the gifts I've already received. But I still have SO MUCH TO GIVE! Just take it all! I have love to give! As well as: a stuffed polar bear for my sister, a safe box with an electric keypad for my brother, a blu-ray special edition DVD of Snatch (We have similar tastes even if you occasionally catch him enthusiastically watching Soap Operas), and a 1000 piece puzzle for my mom. What? She likes puzzles. Going to see the circus in Amsterdam with my celebrity grandmother (box seats and as many free concessions as you want!). I'm setting up a discotheque with the uncles, going to an aunts house for dinner without the aunt. Amsterdam magical mystery trip? Absolutely. You know what I mean. Wish me luck Mr. America! I'm off to break the silence and shatter the world!

New Beginnings

It snowed. FINALLY! In the twilight hours an epic battle took place. Balls of ice thrown like missiles. Meant to kill. Rhyming. Limeing. Brilliant. Getting cold then not feeling the cold. Onset of hypothermia? Who cares... THIS IS TOO FUN! Getting attacked by midnight walkers. A happy woman and two Jews, one short, the other tall. Well now I've been defeated. SURPRISE ATTACK! Run away! Warm again. Let's just say it and not make it interpretive. Does there always have to be beauty in writing? Poetry? Poetry is just a way people encrypt plain speaking. It' s a secret code we're meant to crack. Nobody actually enjoys hearing about your problems so we beautify them and recite them to ears open or not. Pretention. Illusion. Jealousy. Lust, hate, confusion, pity. ALTRUISTS MAKE ME SICK. You have no right to be nice. There's no reason. The world is dark. A new love was found today. A new inspiration for life. Of course, the life will die just the same. But perhaps my songs will be better this time around. And songs are what once kept legends alive. Bards. Sophists. My songs will let me live forever. But I can't do it myself. I need to love, be it requited or not. I dabble here and there. The flames that burn hottest always extinguish fastest. I've found a flame. Why was I wasting time for so long? Why was I looking for warmth in the fridge instead of the oven? MORON! Well, we all make mistakes...